OS - ANGELS AND DEMONS
I dint know
why I chose this topic and why am I writing this.. Really no clue…But felt I
wanted to pour down… if not I may become insane.. Why ..Im so.. an emotional
fool..who is strong from out..but inside still a small gal who wants to just
live in the innocence and never want to grow up .. and be living far far away
in a isolated island where only the birds and the trees and the ocean waves and the morning sun and the night moon and the
twinkling stars I could see and breath only the fresh air of the blooming
flowers or day and night and live among the
non speaking but have all the senses living being.. I felt life would
have been so easy if it was this way.. But what life had kept in my kitty I dint
know… I was surviving.. I was a Angel in
disguise..but when did I allow a Demon to grow inside my heart I dint know..
Did that heart have anything called as Soul and feelings which were connected
to emotions like cry , smile, anger, shy etc.. did it have.. I dint know..
I dint know when my tears disappeared
and when I became a stone and cried only in the night along with the dark
clouds or the dark demon .. I dint know.. when my windows of my heart …which
once was ..completely shut down I dint know.. When I started loving the word
Hate and the word called as Love when it vanished in the air I dint know..
I just asked
the Almighty above..why me .. me.. me ?? ..After all the answers replied by him
.. or not replied by him..I asked after few days.. Are You alive ..or you a
stone like me .. or did u just die after all the ill happenings happened to the
man kind.. or the thing called as YOUR
EXISTENCE IN THE WORLD AS A FORM IN A FIGURE OR U WERE IN DISGUISE IN SOME ONES
KIND NATURE WHEN THEY HELPED ETC.. was it really there…or is it really here …
or will it may be there ??? I dint know
.. I don’t know..I don’t want to know too..
After all
you are a Pattar .. the stone.. You dint have any figure.. Its just that
somebody told ..some body created u and gave some figure according to their
religion and I like a bloody fool believed..what happened to my sixth
sense..the Buddhi..which my mom gave.. I
dint know.. I shouldn’t have believed what others said..I should think from my
mind..I should think on my own..I felt..Im doing that now..
****
Story :
I was born
in the place.. the place which was famous for mainly Guns and Grenades.. Blood
and tears.. Bombs and blasts.. Where men dominated more ..and women were just
used and made feel each and every day
they are just a living being in the world ..in that place.. or may be in some
places the women were given due respect what they deserved..
I saw blood
and the bones.. the place ..the house where I lived in, was it built above the
skeletons houses.. buried underneath .. where many were held captive once and
killed or somehow they died by themselves in any way ..either fighting for
their freedom with men or the country ..or due to terrorism prevailing..
Did I eat
..the food..the rice.. which was grown in the soil..where once blood was bled
and it was mixed in the earth as a natural element elixir.. of life for the
growth.. Instead of Water ..when did Blood was used as the essential for the
food.. I dint know..
I was born
after so many years after my parents marriage..My mom was 30 years younger than
my Dad..My Nana and Nani what did they think and got her married ..I dint
know..My Dad was a Good man , but why did my parents have fights all day and
night ..due to what reason ..I dint know..I was very young. I guess it was the AGE GAP.. or the generation Gap..
I fought and scolded my grand
parents..My mom went thru hell and heaven at the same time.. She was tortured
by inlaws.. by aunts.. at the young age..She was married when she was just 15
..She herself was a kid..She was married and given to a man who was 45 ..Who should be having a kid of himself
of 5years.How could he do this to my
Mom..I was born..Our lives some how was beautiful..rather mummy made it
beautiful.she was matured beyond her age …When she was 20 , she had the mind set of 45 yrs..
I saw the
blood and gunda garthi and goons and guns and officers dressed in uniforms all
the time near by neighbouring place.. all around ..twenty hours security and
scrutiny..Among all the odds , I turned up to be a very good gal.. I scored A’s
in all my papers.. Going to school and coming back from school was a big
problem. But some how , my parents gave me a good education that way. I dint
know when I grew up..I was a big gal now. Daddy passed away when I was 15 years
old. Mummy had to bring me up all alone.
She did as a good mummy as what ever she could do.She was a good friend,
a good companion, a good mentor, a good support system for me. Even for her I
was the same. None around, we gave each other shoulders when we were happy and
sad.. Relatives were a strict No…They dint mingle with us.. so no friends or
relatives external.. We survived alone..I guess
we were the kids of Darwin..
I grew
up..After Daddys death ..mummy became alone..Though we were there for each
other , she was aloof, she was alone..she was not able to live without Daddy. I
guess what ever the misunderstandings or differences they had , she and he they
loved each other and always saw to that I was not a burden any time.I was the
passion of fruit.They showered me with love and affection ..I was their Jigar
ka tukda..
I grew up. I
wanted to fly high in the sky without any barricades and not caged.. But is it
the locality or the country I live in or
the people or the religion or Is it the man kind or is the pressure from other
countries, when did the place where I was born became a living hell I dint
know..Once I saw daffodils and lavenders swaying their long stretched body for the wind as shalal laa.. now I dint see any plants or
trees.. I see only Barbed wires.. stones and glass pieces..
I couldn’t
step outside. I dint know how will I study.How will I survive. I some how with
elders help joined college. Im in my final year.Still clueless where my life is
leading. I need to wear Burkha , so that my physical beauty is not revealed to
outside word.. Only my eyes were left to see ..Rest all covered. Didn’t I have
freedom to dress I thought. One way felt that , the vultures cannot see the
beauty inside as they raped me each and every time by the mere look of theirs
inspite of me wearing a long black covered burkha from head to toe..Was the Man
gender of this kind.. Why in earth .. many men were so.. I dint know..
I cant go
outside to buy a pencil. I cant step outside for purchasing food items. So I grew a organic farm inside my home. I
made my house my world.Thanks to IT and
Bill gates and the electronics and the forefathers.. Babbage and bell and
Edison and many more.. I have all the latest gadgets ..Im connected with all my
friends and realtives all the time.. So I made a heaven inside my home where my
locality and people were partially heaven and see and saw hell too.
I started
hating Man kind..Why ?.. Was there something that was hindering me of the past.
Was it my Daddy or my Grand parents both the side or the community I belong too
where I had to share my bed when ever they wanted..i had to give birth to kids
unlimited thinking that Gods blessings..i would love too.As I was only one..For
me if I gave birth to three and more too I may be fine ..not sure.. My thoughts
were abnormal ones.. I was extra ordinary.I was witty and strong willed.I was a
survivor in the odds. I was very talented and brave. I was from outside the
strongest and fittest. But all they look ..was it true ..I guess a coin has two
sides…the one which is beautiful and the other ugly..They said beauty and the
beast.. All people had twin sides of their faces..one the beasty one ..one the
beauty.. I was mix of both.
When this
Angel in reality started drawing and painting a picture of a devil inside ..Was a Angel in disguise or
was I an Angel and the Demon at the same spot. Was I a combination of two.
Angels ..Angels ..Angels..
My city was
filled with Angels.. my city was called the City of Angels..Where the pigeons
could fly freely ..Where the moon was
worshiped as God.. Greenery was in the flag.. But when did the Green was
replaced by Red blood I dint know.
When I felt
for breathing … I need to struggle and suffocate I dint know. I shut my
windows. I crooned myself hugging my legs to gether and sat on the couch or the
bed and cried and cried. For how many days I dint know. After so many days or
crying .. I became senseless .My eyes became numb.. I went dumb. I was bed
ridden .I had a weak heart. Mummy called the doctor. The doctor gave medicines
and finally I was fit. But still why life played a cruel game.Why did God take
away one and only my Best friend ..She was a young lady.She had a family.What
about the Children of hers.Where they will go. What they will do. I miss my
pal. I fought with the one above , who was laughing at what things were
happening in the world. I cursed him..I cried a lot. Now I felt that , if he
was standing in front of me , I would kill him.. when did my heart become so
cold , I made it a Ice .. which will melt only for heat. The heat or pain
..which I felt was wincing and killing myself or others around me. . I don’t
want this Demon of mine to grow..Im an Angel I thought and somehow still
fighting with so many ways to stay alive as the innocent and the angel ..
But how much
ever I try , why does the heaven ..which I painted it virtually with its core
reality becomes hell I dint know. Kids were going to school.All mummy and
Daddys kissed their little ones and send Bye and returned home. They were
checking the news in moby and TV..the head lines..Bomb blast in the school.. I
was shocked..My breathing stopped. My hands shivered .I held the near by pillar
and sat down trembling.. My eyes were watery.. I couldn’t stop my crying.. I
cried loudly with more noise..Mummy came near ..i couldn’t control my sobbing..
I told her all things..In the killed kids , even my cousin was there .I said bye yesterday to her..Today
she Is no more in the world.
The same
people of the country or the government what did they do now.We thought the
neighbouring country was a neighbour but when did they turn against us.. After
all things happened what they can do now.In TV they run shows and showcase the
happenings and do chat shows and etc.. They get the momentum of appreciation
and applauds. But the reality and the
pain of the suffered the .. mother and the father of the died..what are they
gaining.Nothing .They have only loss.Their future died. Their only one ..little
one died.The only one who was to be burning the ashes of their father died.The
only one who would take their gene forward to the next generation died. The
hope and expectation of the little one, who would fulfil their Dads dreams as
Dad I will become a lawyer ,a police officer, a collector , a lecturer an
entrepreneur, a social worker, a reformist , a psychologist, a philosopher
died.. HOPE AND FAITH died. Hope of a
future life of the little one..Faith in God and HUMANITY DIED..
I asked him
above.. who was sitting and laughing..really did u create such beings in this
world..Where these people kids of urs.. Then why do u give this cynicism and
sarcastic difference in each and every things..first comes gal and boy..then
comes, domination and superiority of gal and boy..always boy above the gal and
the gal not to open her mouth anytime..Then comes early marriage , more
kids,where the woman kind and her identity is lost..then comes to society..Rich
and poor.. Wealthy and weak..Fight and cry..Tears and sorrows..Finally this
dint stop with in society ..it spread beyond borders..differenecs in countries
..developed.. underdeveloped.. grown and growing country.. Violence and non
violence.. Naxalism and terrorist.. Why all these.
Was Earth no
more the land ,where once everybody where happy. Why all these things happened.Is
it because they want J&K ..or was it
the English man who came and split the once upon a time Happy country India and
Paksitan .. Why ..Why ..Why..
Why there
was no Unity among the people and the country.. countries. If India did some
thing good , then comes opposition from
Pak or China or US or somewhere against it. When Pak does something good rest
other countries shoot their nasty mouth. EGO AND JEALOUSY AND ARROGANCE.. when did these take over instead
of the words called AS LOVE AND PEACE.
I still dint
know.. some time I felt ..the man and the mens eyes and their ways of living ..
it is better to be killed in oneshot..So much I became a Stone , that I hated
Living and surviving.i started hating the human kind.
I felt that
let the D Day come.The Armageddon ..let the earth burn off all the human
kind..There wont be any fights anymore between the country and the people.
I still
don’t the end of this story.. but im writing clueless what ever im feeling..
Did I have a soul.. I guess No. Im a sadist , I like tears and pain.. Why..was
I one of the Dove among the group of doves which were in the sky..but caught in
the net and tied with a string and kept
inside the cage..
I don’t
know.. They say .. to Hell and back.. I guess my struggling period was over..It
was a phase..the time had to pass. I did see a bright light..shown by my new
friends.. I had a set of friends now..who cheer me up to the core. They make me
laugh all the time. I said , I will survive and make the black dust too to sing
a song..I will make the Black rose too a
decorative piece..as I was the beast ..i loved black..but I was an Angel. So
Demon on Angel.. never anytime has won.. So Angel won.. the black swan..was the
ugly duckling..when over a period of
time became the white Angel..
All my new
friends made me laugh and cry with all their antinques..what all crap they
said, it made me laugh and burst the teary bubbles into the air with laughter..
Day and night I struggled..finally I found peace ..
My future..
I don’t know where it is taking me .. My aim is to become a Public service
person.. I want to become a cop. I wanted to join the police academy.But don’t
know the gender bias..will it let me survive..I guess. I was born to change the
world. With my this little thought I can Change I guess..They say it all starts
with a drop of water..then it forms a pond..then it forms a lake..then it
connects to a river and then the ocean ..and the then all interconnected in the
lovely earth where ..sky was the limit..
the ocean was unlimited, the nature ..the greenery and the habitats..the birds
and the swans and the insects and the animals and the tiny ants and the butteflies were my
friends.. The sun and the moon and the stars were my neighbours..yes I was
accompanied by 8 more other planets in this solar system . I was never alone.In
the galaxy there were many more things..like asteroids and stuff..
So I said..
THE EARTH IS IN MY HANDS .. THE SKY WAS IN MY FIST.. EK MUTTI AASMAN.. I WAS
THE BIRD IN THE SKY WEARING A BULLET PROOF JACKET WITH A GUN IN HAND WEARING A
BLACK PRADA ..ANY TIME OTHERS TRIED ATTACKING ME , THE BULLET PROOF JACKET HIT
THEM BACK AND THEY DIED. I thought of reverse strategy then the regular route..
yes I was the one survival who survived
and suriving amon all the odds..
Back to
story..i will become a Police officer and look after my home town for now. With
promotions I will take care of the entire country one know..I was always born
to win ..
Yours
Lovingly ..
Astha ..
***************Words
from the broken pen*************
Dedicated to
one of my real friend.. “ Lover , Player
and Winner of the Fate and her destiny “
Thank you
gal for coming into my life..
Love you ..
Eos ..
